Get in the mood for Independence Day

I've been thinking about how much airtime (eyetime?) holidays like Christmas and Halloween got here on this blog, and how it might make you think that I don't really care much about the holidays I haven't featured (Easter, Thanksgiving, etc.).  If you did think that, you are right.  Those holidays have nothing in it for me.  I just make it through them, counting down the months until we get another "good" holiday.

Sigh.

Independence Day is sort of like that.  I mean, I like gathering for a BBQ with people.  I don't mind watching fireworks, if I don't have to leave the comfort of my own back yard (or balcony, as the case may be).

I wonder though, if I'm going about this whole "holiday" thing wrong.  Maybe I should be trying harder to find joy in each holiday, even if it historically bored me.

Here's my try for Independence Day.  Maybe it'll get you psyched too?

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Troubletron liked this one because it featured Thomas Jefferson.  He's a Virginian who isn't buying into this whole John-Adams-Renaissance we've been seeing lately.

Ray of Sunlight

Troubletron and I are moving this coming weekend.  Don't ask me where.  Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you (because some of you are crazy).

But, wherever we go, it will be a temporary situation--and all the "temporary situations" we have available to us at this point are not exactly "bird friendly" (translation: they contain cats).  So, we will be taking our birds down to stay with my grandpa (aka "Papatron") in North Carolina until we can find a new bird-friendly home or until he can't stand the constant squawking anymore . . . whichever comes first.

We've been stressing out about the timeline of the move, and about where to live, and when I will find a job, and, well, the list goes on.  We were beginning to think nothing would ever go our way.

And then, I saw this on facebook:

CHEERWINE KREME FILLED KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS hit grocery stores on July 1 in the Carolina's (we're really sorry folks outside of the Carolina's but Cheerwine and Krispy Kreme go way back in these parts). JULY ONLY... LIMITED EDITION Cheerwine Doughnut... Snacktacular!

If you know what Cheerwine is, you are so jealous right now.

Krispy Kreme, we have a date in Kannapolis, NC this weekend.   And, maybe in Chapel Hill too.

Afternoon Storm

At around 2:30 p.m. today, after a morning of 99 degree weather, I noticed it was looking a bit dark and dreary outside.  I walked out onto the balcony and saw storm clouds moving at a noticeably speedy pace.  I grabbed the camera.   Watch the clouds.

All photos were taken in a 3 minute span of time.

They moved so quickly out of the shot--and over me--it was amazing.

(other side of building)

I stood in awe, having never seen clouds move so fast before in my life, when the loudest crack of thunder I've ever heard stomped through the air and nearly knocked me down.

The wind began to blow, and all of a sudden chairs began sliding 20 feet across concrete and into the pool.

And, then the rain dropped.

And, I began getting wet, so I went back inside.  The lights flickered and the birds flapped in their traditional panic.  Ten minutes later, the sun was back out and the ominous clouds are nowhere to be seen.

Why I May Never Get A Job

Last week I got this email from a potential employer at the Department of Education:

Thank you for applying in response to Job Announcement No. (omitted) for the General Attorney position with the U.S. Department of Education Office of Inspector General.   We received over 2,000 applications for this position and the selection process was very competitive.  We selected two candidates who have significant education law experience, as that experience was the most important factor we sought in a candidate.  We considered experience in education law the most important factor because of the volume and complexity of education laws and regulations.  We wish you success in your future endeavors.

Why can't I get a job?

Because there are over 2,000 people applying for every good job.   I applied for that job three months ago, BEFORE the new class of law school graduates finished their coursework.  This situation is only getting worse.

Help For A Good Cause

I don't do this very often, so please consider this one request!

This cutie, to the left, is Brynn.

Brynn has Retts Syndrome, a disorder caused by a mutation on the X chromosome, that affects only girls.  Seemingly normal babies begin exhibiting symptoms around 6-18 months old. After a normal development, they begin to see regression in speech, motor coordination and many other areas. It is a very hard, taxing disease for both child and parents.

Pepsi is doing a something called the Pepsi Refresh Project and we can help Retts research get a boost of $250,000 from Pepsi if it receives enough votes. It actually has a good chance of getting the money if we all pitch in. Retts is actually a disease that is getting closer to being solved.

All you have to do is CLICK HERE! Every day, click on this link and vote. You have to sign in with an email address, but I don't think that's too much to ask.  You can also link to it on Facebook and vote straight from Facebook if you'd prefer.

Thanks for your help.

It's never too early . . .

. . . to start bringing your work to the bar.

Today on Family Blog:

Barfoline

Troubletron has a new love . . .

Troubletron may divorce me to marry my spinach burgers.  Either way, he still needs ME to get what he wants.

He would do well to remember that he didn't even know what spinach tasted like until he met me!

And, not just spinach . . . roasted red peppers, ciabatta bread, and feta too.

More of Littletron's

ridiculousness on the

family blog!

And so it begins . . .

Where will we be in three weeks?

Your guess is as good as mine.

New Father's Day Post

on the Family Blog!

That's What She Said

I am loving this clip of Alfred Hitchcock, essentially making a That's What She Said joke  . . . in 1929.

"As the girl said to the soldier . . ."

Troubletron LOVES to Remind Me of:

At some point, in the not too distant past, the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, aka "The Squeakquel," debuted in theaters and, of course, was showing at our local Regal.

Sidenote: we ALWAYS choose the Regal theater because their entertainment book price is only $7 per ticket, rather than the $7.50 per ticket that AMC theaters charge.  Did you think I wouldn't notice, AMC?

One day, we were heading to the movies with the kids, and Littletron was trying to get us to see The Squeakquel.  He tried to convince us by telling us they were introducing some "new" characters . . . girls!  I tried to tell Littletron that I already know EVERYTHING about the Chipettes because Alvin and the Chipmunks has been around since, well, BEFORE I was a kid, and that therefore the "girl" chipmunks aren't new, but are actually like 50 years old.  He wouldn't believe me.  But, I'm offtrack.

So, we were standing in front of the theater, looking at all the movies playing, and the Chipmunks movie was listed like this:

RWA: Alvin/Chipmunks 2

Troubletron asked, "what does 'RWA' stand for?"

Without even THINKING, and without a single doubt in my mind, I said, "Rodents With Attitude."  For a few weeks, that's what we REALLY thought the movie was called.

We both that that was a very clever name for a Chipmunks movie, playing of course, off the former rappers, NWA.  But, I won't tell you what that stands for because you should already know.  And, if you don't know, you're not down.  But, I'm offtrack again.

Anyway, that's not what RWA stands for.  And, really, I don't know exactly what it stands for.  But, it is always in front of one movie at our local Regal and it means that that movie has extra features for the hearing impaired.

Shake Weight

I have one.

I have never felt sillier while working out in my life--and that's saying something.  Exercises and I are not natural buddies.  My body just doesn't bend, and it doesn't apologize for that.  But, yeah, the Shake Weight is just plain silly.  Yet, Troubletron does not seem to mind me doing it.  He even brings it to me from the other room, unasked, from time to time.

Unqualified . . . for everything

A few weeks ago, while searching the federal government job site usajobs.gov for attorney positions, I came across a listing for a temporary and part time job as a government test administrator.  The advertisement indicated that the government often administers tests for potential employees or for military personnel.  Test administrators are needed to clearly read test instructions, ensure no one is cheating, and to collect the tests and transport them with confidentiality.

Well, I thought, I need part time work to tide me over.  I can read.  I am good at monitoring others' bad behavior, and shaming/judging them.  And, I know how to drive somewhere without showing anyone my cargo.  I'm totally qualified for this position.

So, I applied.

Today I got an email about the job.  It says this:

We have reviewed your application and found you qualified for the position listed above.  However, you were not among the most highly qualified candidates. Therefore, your name will not be referred to the employing agency at this time.  If we receive a request from the agency for additional candidates, or another agency requests a list of eligibles for a very similar position within the next 90 days, your application will again be reviewed for possible referral.

What the what?

Who are these "highly qualified individuals" of whom they speak?  Who reads better than a lawyer?  Who administers tests better than a former school teacher?

Why do I care!?

Twitter Question

For those of you who know more about Twitter than I, I pose this question:

Is there a reason I should care if pornbots "follow" me on Twitter?

I want your thoughts.

It's not like I have to look at them.

For invitees:

There is a new post on

our family blog!  Check it.

Craigslist IQ

It's no secret that I, Sparklebot, am an internet-sales pro-star.  I am no stranger to the ways of ebay, craigslist, and amazon sales.  I understand the subtleties of each beast, and I have, over the years, learned to successfully tame each for my own personal profit.

About a year ago, Troubletron and I bought a Gumball/Candy dispensing machine from an ebay seller.  We filled it with a variety of delicious candies and placed it in a retail location where we had the necessary "in."  We regained our investment in just a few short weeks.  Unfortunately, due to some circumstances that are not relevant here, and through no fault of our own, we lost our location, and consequently have had this commercial quality gumball machine, empty, in our kitchen, for months.  We've looked for new locations, but nothing promising has come up.

You know our financial situation.  So, obviously, we need to sell this machine to someone with a vending business who can use it.

Ok.  Background given.  Story begins.

I listed the machine on Craigslist yesterday.  Here is the text and pictures from the ad:

We have a commercial quality Gumball/candy dispensing machine that we are no longer using. Great for an existing vending business, or for those looking to make a little extra income a month with almost no extra work.

It is all dark brown, with silver accents. Three separate compartments for candy/gumballs. Each compartment has a 25 cent price.

We bought this on ebay a year ago for $150. It was worked great for us, but the store we had it in closed and we haven't done the work to find a replacement location.

We will throw in our extra gumballs and candies (pictured) with the purchase, if you want them.

We are seeking $100, but will accept reasonable offers. Email with any questions.

The ad, of course, also contained the following photos:

 Ok.  So, pretty clear.  Right?

Within a few minutes of posting the ad, I got an email from a gentleman interested in the machine.  Here is our email conversation (all colors/grammar mistakes, ridiculous punctuation are from the actual emails.  I have removed only names.)

Shopper:  

Please send me contact info thanks Regards.

Me: 

I don't give out contact info until I know I have a serious potential buyer.  Do you have questions?  I can answer them via email.

Shopper:

Dear ?

Sorry you did not mention your name

I do not want your personal or business information . what  I mean is that you write your phone #  for me to cantact you.  so anyway I give  my cell phone ---omitted------ for you to contact me. yes you can contact me. thanks

Best regards;

 Me: 

This is an internet transaction.  I don't give out my name and contact information to strangers on the internet.

The best way for me to talk to you is via email.  If you cannot ask me your questions via email, then this will not work.

Shopper:

please send me the pictures of your machine?

how old are they?

what area is the location of the machines?

how much are you grossing ?

what is the net profit?

please describe the situation?

I need to all information above. if you can not give the information above please do not email me back, thanks.

 Me:

There were pictures on the ADVERTISEMENT.  So, look at them.

It's only one machine.

It is a few years old.  As the ADVERTISEMENT said, we bought IT about a year ago off of ebay.

It's in MY HOUSE.  It's not in a commercial location, AS THE ADVERTISEMENT SAID.

My net and gross profits are none of your business.  Your net and gross profits will depend on the kind of candy and the location of the machine.

Please describe WHAT situation?

I need you to READ ADVERTISEMENTS before you reply that you are interested in them.  If you cannot read, please don't email me back.  Thanks.

Shopper:

Now I know what ad it was,
As far as i can remember you mentioned you have 3 machines for $100 right?
What is the last price you can sell, I need them buy by tuesday or so.
if possible send me the pics . somehow I lost your ad. thanks.

Me:

It is ONE machine.  One.  ONE MACHINE.

THREE (3) (three) compartments in the ONE (1) (one) machine.

(insert pic here again).

Let me tell you how this works.  I want $100.  If you can't pay me $100, then I'm not going to suggest a LOWER price.  $100 is a good deal on this machine.  I'm not interested in giving it to you for the "last price."  I'm interested in selling it for the "first"? price . . .or the HIGHEST price, as we say.  You see, I'm selling something.  I'm trying to GAIN money.  I'm not trying to give YOU a good deal.

If you "need" this ONE (1), and only ONE (1) machine by Tuesday, I suggest you cough up $120 bucks so that we can speed this along.  Plus, I really think you owe me extra for my trouble.

-----------------------

He's coming to look at it tomorrow.

Haha.

I share this story with you, not because I think it's particularly funny or because it annoyed me.  I mean, it DID annoy me, obviously, but that's not it.  I share this story with you because this SAME STORY happens EVERY BLEEPING TIME I sell something on Craigslist.  And, I want to know why.

Why can't people who buy things on Craigslist read?

Why do they not only WANT, but actually EXPECT me to send them my name, address, and phone number on the first email!?  You're buying my unwanted crap, not marrying my daughter.
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There are several new posts on our private blog!  Take a look, if you're an invitee!

It's ON

Many of you were outraged by my treatment at Einstein Bros Bagels last week.  And, rightfully so.  You will be happy to know that I submitted a complaint about my experience online, and am awaiting return contact.  If I don't hear back soon, I'll follow up.

You may also be interested to know that THIS came in the mail yesterday:

There are three Einstein's Bros Bagel locations within easy driving distance of my house.  And, I'm unemployed.

I think if you do that math, you will see that Einstein's WILL be giving me 18 free bagels in the coming weeks.

For those in the "They All Died in the Crash" camp . . .

Losties:

For those of you who think the airplane-on-the-beach-with-no-people footage at the end of the Lost finale held some kind of MEANING--meaning that is weightier than the WORDS the producers used to explain the ending to you, through Christian Shephard--I suggest you read this article:

http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/05/26/lost-final-scenes-wreckage/ 

You are not alone.  That footage confused many people who also didn't listen carefully (ahem, Troubletron).  However, the footage was just a way to ease you out of the finale and into the following nightly news.  Whatever that means.

Moments of the Tender Variety

Last Saturday, as I sat watching Troubletron and his friends play soccer in the rain (stupid for a group of grown men), I turned on one of the playlists on my iPod and stared at drops of rain hitting puddles of mud-water.  I glanced up occasionally to make sure Troubletron hadn't slipped and broken his arm, rendering himself unable to work, and sealing our fate of poverty.  He says I worry too much.

As I sat, I began to notice the intoxicating scent of the grass and the freshness of the falling rain.  That's right.  I had a nature moment.  They don't happen very often for me, as I am clearly indoorsy, but it happened.  That must be what Jess feels when she goes hiking and that's why she does it everyday.  So, while I was having this moment of un-worry-ridden-peace, the words from the song playing on my iPod, a song I'd heard 100 times before, suddenly rang out loudly.

"It may be years until the day, my dreams will match up with my pay." (From Mushaboom by Feist)

And then, as if I hadn't had enough "moments" for the day, I had a high school music moment.  You know, the kind you had in high school when you were so misunderstood by the world, and then you were listening to whatever kind of music you like to listen to while laying on your bed staring at the ceiling--and then whatever the lyrics of the song you were listening to were, they really made you feel like that song was written about YOU, and then you didn't feel quite so misunderstood anymore?

That feeling of true understanding poured over me as the song progressed, describing how the singer learned to appreciate all the little things in her life, while working toward a bigger, better goal.

If you are puking from the tenderness right now, don't worry.  I spent the whole ride home from soccer like usual: feeling sorry for myself and complaining about my chronic back pain.

I keep thinking about my "moments" though.  And, I now worry that I'm spending too much time worrying and not enough time just enjoying my life as it now exists.

LOST Last Thoughts

Like about 75% of the United States, Troubletron and I watched the LOST series finale last night.

If you haven't seen the finale, and may at some point watch the series, stop reading now.

We felt the event was important enough to merit begging my uncle's family to let us come over and use their television access to watch the much-anticipated finale real-time, so we wouldn't have to quarantine ourselves from internet usage until we could watch it on Hulu a day late (the way we watch most TV that we get to watch).  We watched what ended up being about 50 minutes of show and an hour and 40 minutes of commercials, cuddling in the basement with two of my cousins and my friend Idiocorb.

As the episode reached its ending, and all the characters (well, not ALL . . . many of the characters) we have grown to love (hate) gathered in a death church to "move on," sharing hugs and nostalgic, meaningful looks, we all nearly barfed and choked on the sugary tenderness of the scene.  But, when we all got up to discuss, it was quite evident that there were strikingly different interpretations of what we each thought happened.

After talking to those people, I am pretty sure that I was the ONLY PERSON PAYING ATTENTION.  But, I want to hear what you all thought.   Here are the two "possibilities," as put forth by our viewing group:

A) All those people died in the plane crash of Oceanic 815.  They were dead the entire time on the island.  All the stuff that happened on the island was either some kind of test or some form of intermediate zone between life and final resting place.  And, finally, the people in the church get to move on to some form of heaven.  Other people on the island who were not in the plane crash (Ben Linus, the "others," Richard, Jacob, Smokey, Miles, Lapedis, Daniel Farraday, etc) were also dead the whole time.

OR

B)  All of the stuff on the island happened for real, while people were alive.  They all (eventually, individually, and in their own ways) died, and collectively "created" the reality in Los Angeles (that we have thought throughout all of season 6 was a "sideways" reality) so they could find each other before "moving on" to some kind of afterlife.  They did this because their time on the island, and the relationships formed because of the time on the island, was the most significant of their lives.

I will set up a poll for basic voting, but I'd also like to hear comments.  Did you "like" the finale?  Was one of these alternatives they way YOU understood the finale?  Did you have a different understanding of what took place?

Einstein's Bagels: DEAD TO ME

As I told you yesterday, I use coupons.  I am a crazy coupon hoarder.  And, usually, I will not eat somewhere or buy something out of the ordinary without having a coupon--a good coupon.

About every month, Einstein Bros Bagels mails us a reusable coupon for "Free Bagel Fridays"--for months, I have been able to pop into my local Einstein's, order a bagel, and leave without paying a single penny . . . and  get to reuse the coupon for 3-4 weeks.  It's been magical.

You can imagine my dismay when the coupon this month was changed to "BUY ONE get one free Bagel Fridays."  I threw the coupon on the bottom of a large pile of junk mail, mourned the loss of my free bagel run, and went about my month.  I picked it up a few days ago and thought maybe I was being too harsh.  Two bagels for 99 cents (the price of bagels at Einstein's) is still a really good deal.  Plus, I can feed myself and Troubletron for less than a dollar.  My heart softened.

This morning, I headed into Einstein's and ordered our bagels.  Two Blueberry, toasted, one with butter (Troubletron), one with cream cheese (me).

I've always gotten cream cheese on my free bagel.  For free. For months.

I got up to the register to pay.  I handed the cashier my coupon, told her what I'd ordered, and began digging in my purse for just over a dollar in change.

"$4.24," she said.

I looked up at the little screen on the back of the cash register where your ordered items appear, and said, "uh, I think you charged me for someone else's stuff."

"Nope.  All yours," she responded.

"No," I said.  "I should only be paying for ONE bagel.  I gave you the coupon for the free one.

"Yes, I know," she replied.  $4.24"

Now, blog readers, I don't really like to make a scene in a store (like someone I know ... Mom ...), but I also don't like to be taken advantage of.  And, I don't like to pay $4.24 for anything that is supposed to be 99 cents.  I'm going to show you my receipt now, which I think will highlight my frustration and explain a little better why I was so upset.

(The drink was not on the screen when I was arguing with the cashier).

I said, "look.  I don't know what a 'DC refill' is, but I didn't order it.  I'm not a senior, I'm 30.  I ordered two bagels, not three.  I see that you gave me two different coupons.  I only gave you one."

Her only response for those extra items were "those are from before."

"Before what?"

"From BEFORE."

"Before f-ing WHAT?!"

I was getting frustrated.  I tried to calm down.

"Ok.  I don't understand why all that extra stuff is on my receipt, but I'm going to try to accept that it's ok since most of it cancels out anyway.  But . . . I didn't order two "schmear" bagels.  I ordered two bagels, one with cream cheese, one with butter," I said in what was clearly a failed attempt to stay calm.

The cashier wasn't calm either.  She looked scared.  "Yes, two schmear bagels."

"I have NEVER been charged for the cream cheese on my free bagel before.  But, I'm going to assume you've changed your policy on that.  That's fine.  If you're charging for cream cheese on the free bagel, now, I will accept that and know better in the future.  BUT, I need you to look at the menu board where it says that cream cheese and butter are each $.60 per bagel.  Now explain to me why I am being charged $2.49 per bagel, and not $1.59 per bagel."

She went to get the manager.

The manager just said, "That's how we do it now."

"So, now you charge more than the menu says?  That's illegal," I stated.

At this point, there were 8-9 people behind me in line, rolling their eyes and acting annoyed.

"Fine!"  I exclaimed.  "Fine.  Just charge me 4 times the amount I should be paying for this, I will report you to the Better Business Bureau, and we can all get on with our days."  She took my credit card, pushed some buttons, scanned it, and handed me a receipt.

I walked out the door, looking to make sure my receipt reflected all the RIDICULOUSNESS of our conversation  . . . and I noticed the drink.  She ADDED a soda at the end of our conversation, when I gave her my card.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" I screamed as I stormed back into the store.

"Ma'am" the manager began walking toward me.  "I thought we had settled this issue."

"OH, WE HAD, UNTIL YOUR CASHIER ADDED A DRINK ONTO MY RECEIPT."  I have not been this mad in a LONG time.

The manager handed me a drink cup.  She HANDED ME A DRINK CUP.

It took all the restraint in my person not to fill up that soda and fling it in her face.

I walked out.  Having paid $5.63 for a bill that should have come to $1.20, with tax.  But, they haven't heard the last from me.  I do not mess around with injustice.

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Today on our private blog: I've met someone special!

Debt Counseling

Yesterday, I called a Debt Counselor.

I thought it was time.  Troubletron and I have done everything we can think of to cut costs.  We live in a house with no cable or even basic channel access, like it's the 1800's.  We shop with coupons.  I've even started only washing my hair every OTHER day, to save money on shampoo--cheap, grocery store brand shampoo.

Gross.

But, with only one income, and all my law school debt, plus regular bills, we just aren't making it.

We will be moving in with family members soon, but that's still not going to be enough to set us right.  So, I sucked up my pride and called one of those non-profit credit/debt counseling services, hoping they'd have some magical (or at least, insightful) solutions for me.  After an hour of telling the counselor all our sources of income, and all our required bills, here is what she said (in purple) (my thoughts in italics in green):

"Well, it really sounds like you are in a predicament.  It's important to remember that the economy is bad right now, so you're not alone.  Lots of people don't know this, but there are really only two ways to fix this kind of situation: cut expenditures or raise your income, or both. (um, what people don't know that?)  Here's our advice.

First we suggest you cut costs by starting to use coupons.  (check)  The best place to start doing this is by going to Coupons.com.  (I already hoard coupons like they are crack, so move on).  You'll really be surprised how much money you can save with just a few coupons.  (Right, 45 cents.  Ok, I got it.)

Second, we suggest you cut costs by looking at your budget and cutting out all inessential activities. (wait, this one is SECOND?)  So, for you, that could mean thinking of free activities to do (is that what it means for me?  Or, is that what it means for everyone?).  You said you spend extra on groceries when your kids are with you.  Maybe you could try to cut back here. (don't feed kids.  Got it.)

 Third, you may want to move somewhere less expensive (Is she not listening?).

Fourth, you may want to consider getting a job.  (Ok, I'm going to punch you.  What do you think I do all day?)  That's really going to be the best way to increase your income.  Are you registered with any employment agencies? (Six)  That might be a good place to start.  (Right.  I  STARTED there.  A year ago.  With six.)

 Next, you should consider bankruptcy.  (WHAT?)  It won't discharge your student loans, but it will really help you get a fresh start.  (um, how can I get a "fresh start" when my credit is ruined from a bankruptcy and I still have huge law school loans to pay off?  That's not a fresh start!) (ALSO, you aren't a lawyer.  You can't give this kind of legal advice).  I know you're a lawyer, but you should consult a lawyer.  (It's like you can't hear yourself talking).  Bankruptcy is really a good option for a lot of people.

She went on and on with more "options," half of which are common sense fixes we have already done, and the other half were ludicrous.  How is BANKRUPTCY the option you present to a woman who has NEVER MISSED EVEN A SINGLE PAYMENT on any bill in her entire life?

This is what passes for sound financial advice?  She just reads the same script to every caller!  Why did we go through the charade of examining my actual finances!?  Those were cell phone minutes I'll never get back.

I'm thinking of writing a strongly worded letter.  Or email.  Email would be cheaper.

I'd love to hear your money-saving tips.  Unless you are stupid like my debt counselor.

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For those of you invited, there are new blog entries on our private blog!