November 13, 2009

Rejectionville: Party of Me

Yesterday, as I flipped through the various ominous-looking envelopes from the mail, I noticed one with the return address of a law firm. I slipped it out of the pile and saw my name staring back at me as the addressee.

"What could this be?" I wondered aloud.

"What could what be?" Troubletron responded. He didn't know I was talking to myself.

I looked hard at the envelope, thinking whether or not I had ever heard of this law firm before. I was 99% sure I hadn't when Troubletron told me I could probably just open it and find out what the letter was for. He's very perceptive.

So, I opened it.

"Dear Sparklebot,

Thank you for your interest . . . .we have filled the opening . . . we'll keep you on file . . . nice try loser . . .you're getting fat . . .

Sincerely,
Law Firm"

I checked my computer and sure enough, there was a cover letter I wrote to that very firm. I read the cover letter I had written and had ZERO recollection of writing it. Apparently, I was trying to pass myself off as someone who has dedicated her life to personal injury law.

Doesn't really sound like me, does it? I guess they could tell.

This isn't the first rejection letter I've gotten . . . this month. It's not even the 10th rejection letter I've gotten. I have lost count, really. But, unexpected rejection in the mail is a bad experience.

Just once, I'd like to receive a letter that says:

"Dear Sparklebot,

Thank you for applying to work here. Your resume was extremely awesome and we'd be stupid not to create a position for you right now. You can do whatever you want while here, as long as you tell everyone that your awesomeness is associated with our firm. We'd also like to go ahead and back-pay you for all those months you were unemployed, as a sign of good faith.

You're a skinny winner!

Sincerely,
A firm that needs your awesomeness"

I did have a series of dreams a few months ago where President Obama and I were shooting some hoops when he asked me to be his "Secretary of Keeping it Real." But, I have recently discovered that that is not a real thing.

Sigh.

7 Robot Reactions:

Jillian said...

After he extended you the position, did he offer a fist bump? I don't think I'd accept the offer if not.

Side of Jeffrey said...

I think its really nice that they would send you anything. In marketing, most of the time HR usually wipes their butt with your resume, laughs, and forgets you exist. Even if you have 90 interviews with the company and it was down to you and another person, they won't call you to say you haven't got the job. They make you act like a pathetic boyfriend who keeps calling, writing and never gets the hint for months until you finally give up. I have gotten 1 rejection letter or call in my life of applying to marketing jobs. I have applied to over 1,000. That was Pizza Hut. Thanks Pizza Hut for not dragging it on and on and on.

But I'd like you to recieve an acceptance letter sometime soon.

Sparklebot said...

Jillian: There were SO MANY bumps. You don't even know.

Side of Jefferson: Yeah. Plenty of law firms don't ever tell you, either. I sort of prefer it.

Sherpa said...

I'm rooting for you to get that acceptance letter of awesomeness too!

Beth said...

I think you'd be really great at the secretary of keeping it real. Too bad it isn't a real job.

Jason said...

Maybe you have been rejected everywhere because of your utterly embarrassing behavior towards that one family just following Obama's election. Karma sucks, doesn't it, SMASH?

Poor Little Critter on the Road said...

Wow. Pile on, Jason, won't you? Is it fair to say: "Jason: show yourself or just shut the hell up?"

Oh, and, by the way, Jason, it's not karma, it's the economy. Did you notice? Probably better not to gloat. It may happen to you one day.